Troubled Christian

Silent struggles are harder to deal with, without God. You’ll be there in a moment chatting up those you consider close then boom! Eyes are suddenly misty. You remember how you stayed up past 3 am thinking about that particular “issue”, shedding a tear or two. Leaves a sour taste in your mouth in all honesty.

But you have to dust yourself up regardless because nobody is going to waste a moment’s breath on you. Probably because they’re dealing with similar issues. Since you’re not an entitled bloke to the time and attention of even those you call loved ones, you soldier on.

You tell yourself “I’ve got God, I’ll be fine”. You believe what you say but it isn’t evident in your current predicament reason being that you have become too self-reliant that His answer to your situation doesn’t even reach you.

Now it’s night time and you’re up late again, ready to give an encore to the audience; that is your sleeping space. Only this time somewhat, you feel an upheaval to the repeat performance of your nightly chastisement because it is inherently not in your nature to wallow in sorrow. A sudden sense of brimming confidence albeit shallow.

Regardless, you feel as if you’ve found a substitute for the worry. A stop-gap for the unending pain and distress of that “thing” that eats at your soul- the very reason for your insomniac episodes of self-pity. The thing is, the relief you found trumps your beliefs and encumbers you with interrogatives, sending you on a dilemma-inspired journey of “should I or should I not”. An ongoing battle amidst the brewing cyclone that represents the crisis of your life.

Just like the alley cat, you lap at this chance to drown out the noise. Hanged over the euphoric moment and its short-livedness, you indulge in your fleshly predilections to escape. Lost in the snare of the trance-like clarity induced by this feeling, you made merry. How glorious it will be for you if this “joy” was real Joy.

Your soul screams “I WANT PEACE”.
Your heart retorts “You enjoy the chaos”.
Your mind reels from this disharmony present in your whole body. This persisting dissonance leaves you drained. A living husk of your former radiant self.
You feel purposeless now.
You don’t hear his voice anymore.
This feels like the end.

Everything that concerns Him begins to suffocate you. Since you still carry his presence, you’re bound to this judgement. An inviolable penance you must pay. You become easily irritated by all that concerns Him and long to be freed from what you consider, a hex.

Duplicity becomes an art you must perfect because your circle remains those who sing his praise.
Those who still exalt his name above all else.
A reminder you want to do without.
Thing is, in your bid to escape, you get sucked deeper into the quicksand of guilt and sin consciousness.

Inwardly bellowing for respite, you miss the first service of church. A no-show again for the umpteenth time. Freedom at last but the void in your heart is a reflection of this joyless autonomy you stubbornly obtained.
“This is the beginning of the end”, you tell yourself. A sign of resignation that you are way past redemption. This falsehood echoes with every waking moment.

Just when you finally thought it was over, you hear his voice stronger than you ever had. It beckons for you saying ” Return to your father, Oh prodigal son.”. An indication that you were never once left to your machinations.

From the letters to the people of Ephesus, you recollect by the leading of the spirit, the everlasting, unending, undying love of God for his kinship.
Reconciliation was never ruled out. Voices in your head might have said otherwise. He never did.
Overwhelmed and awed once again, only this time, by His pure expression of love towards the imperfect man resident in your life, you begin to bawl your eyes out.
Finally, the reprieve you long sought after is here and it is filling.

The audience(sleeping space) awaits the routinely performed melody of melancholia once again. This time, however, they hear a strange tune emanating from you that evening with a loud resounding “Amen” closing out this night’s performance. The air is heavy with good tidings and hope, sleep finally comes easily.